Thanksgiving, Family, & Friends

As we here in the U.S. approach Thanksgiving this year, I would like to take a few moments to reflect on things that I'm thankful for this year. I would also like to encourage each and every one of you to comment on the top 5 things your thankful for as well.
1) My kids. They are who I work diligently for every day.
2) My Freedom. The ability that I share with all freedom lovers to do or be anything I want.
3) My Online Friends. You have allowed me to share a part of myself that I'm not ready to share with anyone else. Thank You.
4) My Job. The fact that I still have one in these trying economic times.
5) Our Servicemen and women. I'm thankful for for those of you who are willng to go out there and put it all on the line for my freedoms. THANK YOU.
I'll be looking forward to seeing what you all are thankful for in the coming days.

Love,
Jayson

We had a talk.

I would first like to thank those of you who took the time to comment and advise me in regards to my son. I shall update you on that now.
I called him on the phone a few days ago and spoke with him about accountability and personal responsibility and how those two things will shape his life in the coming years if he learns to manage them correctly.
I also told him that I love him and will always be here for him but that he was of the age now where he had to learn to make the correct decisions in life now while he's still at home and we are there to help.
I guess what I'm trying to say is thaat I see my role as a father as being a guide and a teacher more than a disciplinarian at this point.
On another note, maybbe you teenagers can help me out with tbhis, Taylor haas for some reason developed a fear of the shower over the last few months and it practically takes an act of God to get him in there. Is this a phase that he's going thru because I don't remember this stage at all. LOL

Later,
Jayson

Cold and My Son Acting out.

Man I hate the cold. It was freezing in Oregon, Idaho, and Utah this morning. I'm in Nebraska now and it's in the upper 30's so I'm cool. LOL.
On another note, my wife called me today to inform me that our 13yo son is in in school suspension for back talking his teachers and they're talking about putting him in an alternative school. GRRR!
So now I've got to have this conversation with the boy and say "Hey, this is your life that your screwing up here. Get it together." I hope I can get him to see the error of his ways.

Later Jayson

Chaining and Laptops

Good Afternoon folks. I'm going to try and update you on a daily basis as much as I can.
Alrighty, in reference to the title, Chaining, as in chaining up your tires in cold weather is the absolute worse. I hate it with a passion. For those of you who live in the west and northwest, you know what I'm talking about. I just picked up a load of Christmas Trees bound for NYC and am now heading that way.
On another note, my laptop's hard drive has crashed and so now I'm down to just my smartphone until I can fix the bugger or replace it. GRRRR!
Not to digress from the title, but I've also been having concerns as to what I would say to my son if he were to discover that he was gay and then told me. If that were to happpen, it would be a life altering decision for both me and him on how I would handle it. Sorry about going off on a tangent there. I guess I shouldn't ponder and post at the same time. lol

Hugz from Jayson

My Absence

I guess the first thing I want to say is "I'm Sorry" for the extended absence. I've been trying to figure out my place in this world over the last few months. I've been having some difficulties trying to step away from this because of my wife and children but I just can't seem to do it. There is such commraderie here in this "community" that I have never experienced before and it's kind of addictive. Once you have it, you can't seem to let go.
I wish that I would have made different decisions as a young man but unforunately I did not. I just hope that you all will continue to let me be a part of your group as I watch from the closet door. More to come later.

Love Jayson

A Nation Remembers

I remember as I went through school and different activities in life that the question used to be "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Now the new question is "Where were you on 9/11?"
My how the times have changed. No matter what your political preference is or where you stand in the "conspiracy" pool, please take a moment today and remember those who lost their lives on 9/11/2001. They'll never have the oppurtunity to have that preference that we all argue about even still today.
Sorry to be making a returning post on such an ominous subject. Please, let's all just get along.

Time for a Break

As i sit down here to compose this post, many things come to mind. The first thing that comes to mind is the reason I started blogging in the first place which was to meet new and interesting people that I could interact with and be myself. To that extent, I have succeeded. However, somewhere along this journey that I have taken, I found mysself wanting more than just online friends.
I know that many of you that are out here in blogland have experienced similar situations and so you know where I'm coming from. I have spent the last several days trying to come to grip with the fact that at my age and body type and the fact that I'm currently married with children will no doubt put me out to pasture as far as ever eing able to have a true relationship filled with compassion and love that so many of us desire.
I would also like to take this oppurtunity to thank the 21 followers that I do have who found my writings to date interesting enough to want to follow me. My thoughts and prayers go out to Landyn, who is currently struggling with parents, housing, schooling, and basically just survival. My good friend Deadwing, who has taken the first step to freedom by coming out to his family and close friends at work, but who still struggles with trying to find a companion to spend the rest of his life with.
Bob, with whom I have met with and conversed with personally, you are the greatest friend and ally that a gay man could ever have. Keep up the good work. Mirrorboy, who has had his own share of problems that come his way, and at the tender age of 16, manages to hold this little community together. There are several more of you out here who I haven't mentioned by name but please know that I think of you every day.
I hope that one day, we can all live as equals, here in the human race. I will continue to read your blogs and follow your lives as much as you allow me to but for the time being, I'm going to put mine on hold until I can figure out what I want to do with it.

Forever Alone,
Jayson

Hallo

I've been meanng to post some pics but just haven't gotten around to it yet. Just to update you on a few things, my glasses broke a few days ago while I was iin Atlanta,GA so I had to order a new pair which will be in on 24 July so I will be back in Atlanta at that time.
Until then my new theme song will be "Sunglasses at Night" by Corey Hart since i'll be sporting my Rx sunglasses for the next 8 days until the new ones arrive.
As for the move to Ohio, we are pretty much finished with that. I hoe that this post finds you all doing well in your individual endeavors and that you know that I love each and every one of you. Until next time.

Your Friend,
Jayson

Happy Birthday to Me

Oops. Forgot to mention that yesterday but It's my birthday today. I was almost a firework. Some might say I still am. LOL. I'm not sure if that's a goood thing or a bad thing.
Anywho, that's all for now. All of my friends here in the US have a happy 4th of July and drive responsibly.

Where I Blog From

Well Folks, this is where I blog from.
Also, Mr. HCI had a question as to why it takes so long for 18 wheelers to pass each other. The answer is that at any given time we weigh between 70,000 to 80,000 lbs and the average 4 wheeler weighs anywhere from 2000 to 3000 lbs. More to come later.

Additional notes

I forgot to mention on the last post but while taking that detour last night the roads were wet and this local driver came flying around and jacked on his brakes which threw his trailer into a jacknife which missed my driver's side mirror by about an inch. Wow. Talk about some heart pounding moments.

Later
Jayson

Arrived in NYC

Hello again. I arrived in NYC at around 0600 GMT this morning. On my way in, I had to detour around the Cross Bronx Expressway due to another rig having an accident in a one lane construction zone and bursting into flames. :o
Anyways, I'm now sitting at the Hunt's Point Meat Market located in the Bronx , waiting for my delivery time to arrive and then I'll be heading to my final stop for this load in Westwood, Massachusetts.
Well, that's all for now.

Ttusoon
Jayson

Ask me Anything

Ok. So it's been a while. Sorry. I was trying to figure out what to post about next that would generate some comments and this is what came up with.
Ask me anything that tickles your fancy including anything you would like to see me post about and I'll give it a few days and then post responses. Cool.

Later Dudes,
Jayson

Hmmm...

First of all, I want to thank those of you who commented on my last two posts. Second of all for the rest of you out there, I donzt want you to think that i'm flip-flopping on the subject either. Please allow me to explain.
I have just made a cross country move here in the US and I've been feeling kind of lonely because I haven't been able to see my friend.
In other news, I was chatting with Matt from "Rhythm Changes" yesterday and he asked me if I was like the typical truck driver as far as size goes and what not. It kind of hurt my feelings a little because I'm a person too. For those of you who don't know, I'm a big guy...abt 350lbs and 6 feet tall. Kind of like a football player.
I'm sorry about this post being all over the place but these are just a few things I wanted to get out.

Hugs
Jayson

Maybe I Was Wrong

Alright, I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong about something so here goes.
I wrote the previous post after having a conversation with a good friend of mine. The feedback that you guys gave me was awesome and I really appreciate it.
However for some reason I find myself feeling kind of lonesome and pouty and wanting someone of my own who will love me for the man I am on the inside and not just the outside. After experiencing these emotions over the last couple of days I can now see why these online relationships develop so quickly and easily because for those of the younger generationn who are just coming out or maybe not yet are grasping at these relationships as their proverbial lifeline. I can see that now and for any of you out there who I have offended with my previous post, please forgive me. I get it now. I LOVE you all.

Goodbye
Jayson

Groowin Up Gay and the Relationships we Encounter

First of all, I would like to take the opportunity to welcome everyone to "National Gay Pride" month as declared by President Obama earlier this month. Yay!!!
I know that I don't get a whole lot of chances to post regularly however I try to read every day. As many fellow bloggers out here have noticed and mentioned as of late, we have seen several prominent bloggers who have either gone on a haitus or quit blogging completely due to "online" relationships going afoul or some seriously negative commenting.
When I came to this community, I was in search of a group of folks who shared similar views as myself and so that we could share amongst ourselves and also to support one another in their times of need. For the most part that is what I have found. I first happened on to this community through Mirrorboy's blog and I read his and most of the rest of you who have been blogging for more than 6 months.
Sorry about all that drivel, but I wanted to give you a little background first.
*He now steps up to the podium with gear shifter in one hand and gavel in the other with a scowl upon his face*
As a father of 4 children, 2 of whom are teenage boys, the "relationships" that I see you guys going through online troubles me. Now before you all start throwing things at me, let me clarify. Most of you in the younger generation here I have spoken with at some point or another and I have found you to be upstanding young men who have plans to go to college or uni or some type of trade school after finishing high school.
I also understand the need and desire to be wanted and loved by someone, wether it be in real life or online. I guess the key thing to remember here is that the majority of us started blogging here for pretty much the same reasons that I did and therefore in my closeted, "creepy-old guy" opinion, I would think that you would apply the same concepts of what brought you here to blogland to any relationships that you might enter into in blogland.
In closing folks, please remember that the people you speak with out here will more than likely never grace your presence in real life and therefore don't allow them to "get in your head" and effect you in real life. Those would bed my humble words of wisdom for today.
For those of you, like myself, who are out here in real life looking for that special someone, be patient and true love will find us all.

Friends Forever
Jayson

The Move

OMG. I am never doing that again. I hate moving. On a side note, I did get my friend whom I like to help me load up in SLC.
Man did he have a gr8 looking ass. Hold on. He's here. Im going to have to mess with him....brb
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh...your still bere. Well he let me touch his ass. Of course, he doesn't know I'm gay, but when we were loading the pickup truck he lost his balance and fell right into my arms.
Wow. I almost told him right then and there.
Well, sorryy about the short post but I can only do so much from this pda.

ttusoon
Jayson

Just Fucking Off

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was ok. I got to catch up on some televisions shows and basically just relax before the big move.
I hope that everyone has taken notice of the Prop 8 situation in Cali that will be ruled on later today. One battle won for us will put us all closer to "real" freedom.
As I sit here to compose this post, I'm reflecting on the war's of the past that our veteran's have fought and died in to preserve our freedoms and way of life.
To each and every one of you out there who has served your home country's military service, I would like to take this opportunity to say "Thank You" for your service and hard work.
I would also like to send a few big hugs out to some people.

1) Bob-for the loss of his Uncle
2) Mirrorboy-for his courage to finish his education and for all the other bullshit he has to put up with.
3)Landyn-for his housing needs and the bullshit he has to put up with.
4)Deadwing-for his decision to no longer put his life on hold and the courage to speak with his Father about it.
5)Alien Son-who wrote an excellent piece entitled "Black Dog" and is currently working on a new novel.

That is all that I can think of at the moment. Please don't be offended if I forgot you. It wasn't intentional.

"Hugs" to all
Jayson

Mobile Blogging

Alright this is my first try at posting from my pda. Please comment and tell me what you think. Also I was trying to figure out what to post next. Shoot me a comment with any ideas you might have.

Laterz

Hapy Birthday Mirrorboy

Happy Birthday, Mirrorboy.

Moving and Stressing

Good Evening everyone. Just wanted to let you know that I'll be moving from Utah to Ohio at the end of this month.
On a heavier note, I just want to be loved. :(
It's with a heavy heart and sadness that I watch so many of you go through your trials and tribulations, whether it is alone without the support of your family and friends in real life, or if you just have those of us here in blogland.
Since I began reading blogs and then started one of my own, I have felt like I have become a part of a huge loving family. The feeling is almost indescribable.
On another note, I have a friend, a very good friend, whom I've had feelings for quite some time and he called me this week to tell me that he had some kind of minor stroke. I felt crushed. I wanted so bad to tell hime that I loved him and that I would be on the next plane home to be with him and care for him. I just couldn't do it. I cried, hell I'm still crying as I write this post just thinking about him. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. If something happens to him, I;m not sure if I'll be able to go on. I miss him.

Saw a Cute Guy Today

I saw a cute guy today at a truck stop in Ohio. He was about 5'10" tall, about 150 lbs, had reddish, brown hair and had the "baby" face. OMG. My knees were wobbly and everything. Ok, enough about me for now.
I heard this song on the radio today and it made me think of all of us out here who are currently pining for or have oined for someone in the past. Please enjoy and send your comments.

ttusoon

Jayson

Love at First Sight

Okay, so every one seems to be posting about past and present love interests so i thought I would do the same.
I had this young man on my truck about 4 months ago who was learning how to drive a truck. He is just a couple of years younger than me but didn't look a day over 20. He's about 5'10" tall and about 120 pounds and he has a six pack. He even had a picture of himself in a speedo out at the poolside on his phone. Shit, I nearly lost it right there. It was time for a pit stop so I could take care of business. Haha.
Anyways, we were together for the next 4 weeks in my truck. I came so close to asking him out but was afraid to do so for legal reasons. Needless to say, this young man has been in my thoughts for these last 4 months. I wish I had the courage to ask him out now. Oh well. Laterz.

What I'm Currently Reading

Good Evening everyone. I hope everything is going well for you. I was speaking with Bob the other night because I was stressing about what to blog about and he just told me to blog about whatever is going on in my life at the moment. So I thought I would share with you what I'm currently reading.
"One Second After" by William R. Forstchen. Basically the premise is that an EMP or electro-magnetic pulse weapon has been used against the US and the story centers around the lives of the characters in a town called Black Mountain, NC, which sits just east of Asheville, NC.
It's a very interesting read and I'm quite enthralled with it at the moment. As for where I'm at and where I'm going, I'm currently in Southaven,MS and will be heading to Clearfield, UT tomorrow. Well, that's all I have for right now.

TTUSOON
Jayson

The Land of Sun and Sons

Little play on words there...haha. How the hell are you all doing? I've been having so much fun looking at the gr8 six packs in Florida that I've neglected to post. :( Lotta things going on in my life and your lives im sure. You boys that are in college or uni at those of you that are across the pond....make sure you study hard for those finals now. Prioritize. Plan. Porn. Have a wank. Study. Porn...You get the idea....lol.
Several new bloggers out here and I want to take the oppurtunity to welcome each and every one of you. Give me time and I will read thru your blogs and what not.
I have spoken with several new and old people on MSN and it is just so exciting to meet you guys. Well...that's it for now.

"new sign off"
comment and tell me what u think

TTUSOON
Jayson

New Blog and a few plugs

Good Morning everyone. As I compose this post, my student is driving us through the state of Oklahoma. Our final destination will be in Casa Grande, AZ, and we should arive there around 0400 hrs MDT on 4/30/9.
I wanted to first off mention that a long time commenter on many of our blogs has finally taken the plunge into Blogland. Round of applause please for Bob.

I also wanted to note that Steevo has started a sort of blog directory and if you will kindly visit his blog and follow the insrtuctions so that we can get this done as quickly as possible. That's all for now. Thanks.

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? So many of us have asked this question of ourselves here in blogland. Some of us more than once. After composing the Part 3 post of "My Struggle", I pondered this question as it relates to my situation. Here is what I came up with.
I started this blog as a way to put my thoughts and feelings down on "paper" as it were, so that I could see them laid out in black and white and therefore hope to deal with them in a more structured fashion. It is my belief that doing this has, is, and will continue to be a huge help to me as I continue along this path.
The other reason that I started this blog is to join a community of like-minded individuals who I could converse with and be my true self. This, I would have to say is my proverbial "cry out for help", if you will. I understand that we all have our own unique problems to deal with, but for me, you guys are my out. Whenever I get a chance to speak with any of you, wether it be on MSN or through comments, it is like a breath of fresh air. In other words, you guys have become my air, my oxygen, and without you, each and everyone of you,...I don't wan't anyone to feel left out..lol..I don't know if I would be able to continue to reevaluate my lif and the decisions that I've had to make and will continue to have to make.
Wow, I know Mirrorboy sitting there reading this right now going, "Man, Jayson really got a run-on sentence going on there in that last paragraph." Sorry about that buddy, I just want to take a moment here to encourage you to continue to write, as I thoroughly enjoy your work. Well, that's it for now. Please feel free to comment.

My Struggle Part 3

Good Evening everyone. I hope all is going well with each and every one of you. For those of you who are going through some rough times, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
At the end of the last segment, I had just gone through my first and to date only relationship with another man, only to have to break his heart and mine when I discovered how my parents felt about this lifestyle.
Now, I know you're all sitting out there going, "What a pussy, why didn't you stand up for your rights?" Well, you're right, at the time, I pussied out and have continued to do so until this day. My experience with my parents had such a negative impact on me that it through me back into the closet and locked it with a deadbolt until about a year ago.
During this time however, I managed to get married to a woman and fathered 3 children. They are 13, 11, and 8. One boy and two girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife because she is the mother of my children, however as of about a year ago, that is simply not enough for me anymore. I found myself wanting more than just the connection of children. I desired a true love, where we couldn't stand to be apart for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't have that with the mother of my children.
I can't write anymore right now as it is painful for me to think about abandoning my children for my own happiness. I will continue this post in a day or so, I just need to figure out how I want to phrase the rest of this. Please bear with me. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Laptop Down

Good morning. So sorry for the length between posts but my laptop has been down. I will finish the 3 part series on my struggle later on this evening for those of you that are following. Thanks for your patience.

Remembering A Brother Blogger

I did not get the pleasure of meeting or speaking with Razz but I do feel the pain of losing a fellow blogger brother. Razz, you will be missed by many.

Down Time

Sorry about the length of down time here but i seem to have picked up a virus somewhere. I'll try to repost this evening.

My Struggle Part 2

First of all, I would like to thank all the readers who took the time to post a comment. It means more than you'll ever know. Again, THANK YOU. Before I get started on the next part I would just like to throw out a huge congratulations to AJ on his decision to move on in his life and live for him. Your the best. Secondly, I would like to welcome Mirrorboy back from his eye opening journey to Melbourne. Sounds like you had a gr8 time and some well deserved relaxation. Now on to the subject of this post.
As I began the 8th grade in my new school, it was definitly revitalizing to see in the first few months that I was able to remake my image and start anew. You see, back in those days, image was still a huge thing for me as I'm sure it is for the younger folks out here still today. As I progressed through the following 5 years up to and including graduation, I never had to deal with the extensive gay bashing issues that I had suffered through during the 7th grade.
After graduating from high school I went on to complete a year of college. At that time, I was so burned out and school and studying and the like that I choose to get out into the workforce to see if I could find a niche for myself. Bad mistake. What I should have done was to take a semester off and reevaluate my short and long term goals and then gone back.
During this downtime from college, I broached the subject of homosexuality with my parents, just trying to feel them out as to what their views on it were. I was floored to find out that they were of the far-right persuasion. Silly me. I should have known since we had been a church going family for as long as I can remember. At this point, I want to digress because I'm sure that there are a few of you out there who are scrathing your heads and going, "Gee whiz, you missed that one, eh. Dumbass." I just want you to remember that I had just spent 9 months away at college and had seen many new things that I was not used to seeing at home.
It was during this time that I had my one and only gay relationship and I was on cloud 9. That "feeling out" conversation that I was talking about earlier. Well, I had plans to come out to my parents at this point but the response was so negative that it threw me back into the closet where I have remained ever since. In hindsight, that is also probably a major contributing factor as to why I chose not to return to college in the fall. I was afraid to face the guy that I had been dating to tell him that I had chickened out.
More to come soon. Stay tuned.....

My Struggle: Part 1

Good Evening everyone and Happy Easter. After several days of not posting and thinking about what I should post next about, I figured that maybe I should lay it all out here on the blog and see what kind of feedback I get. So here it goes.
I first realized that I might not be the same as everyone else in the second half of the school year in 7th grade. This is where it begins. In the first half of the year, I had PE it was during a situation that developed in the shower room one day and one of the upperclassmen accused me of being gay. I of course vehemently denied this for the next several months until in the early spring I cam to the realization that I was indeed attracted to members of the same sex.
During the preceding months, I experienced exactly what MirrorBoy goes through everyday in his current school. At the end of 7th grade, my parents made the decision that we were going to sell our house in the town where we lived and move to another town in the same state. We did this and I started the 8th grade in an entirely different school system. It was during this time over the summer that I came to the realization that nobody at the new school would know me from adam and therefore I could start afresh.

We all need to stick together

As i sit here this evening to compose this message I am inspired by the outreach and love that I have seen in this small community that I have joined. I sort of feel like we are all one huge family and need to stick up for each other and comfort them in their times of need. Therefore I would like to dedicate this video to our entire community, our family, with a special mention for MBoy and AJ.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

I heard this song on the radio today and it made me think of AJ. This one's for you buddy.

First Post

Wow....My first post. This is an historic move for me. O well enough about that. I woke up this morning only to look at Mirrorboy's Blog and noticed that things just weren't right in our little pice of the world. I have made a few comments on those posts but I just want to say again that my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you that are going through some rough times right now. I have linked to quite a few blogs out there and I will be getting emails or comments or notices of some type out ASAP so that hopefully you will link back. HEHE.
This blog will entail several things for me. I would say that the number one thing that I hope to achieve here is to make new friends and acquantinces. I'll be blogging on just about anything that comes to mind, (eg. politics, my life, boys, your lives, boys, cars, trucks, boys). I think there is a pattern there. Hmmmmm. Well, enough for now.

*hugs*