Good Evening everyone. I hope all is going well with each and every one of you. For those of you who are going through some rough times, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
At the end of the last segment, I had just gone through my first and to date only relationship with another man, only to have to break his heart and mine when I discovered how my parents felt about this lifestyle.
Now, I know you're all sitting out there going, "What a pussy, why didn't you stand up for your rights?" Well, you're right, at the time, I pussied out and have continued to do so until this day. My experience with my parents had such a negative impact on me that it through me back into the closet and locked it with a deadbolt until about a year ago.
During this time however, I managed to get married to a woman and fathered 3 children. They are 13, 11, and 8. One boy and two girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife because she is the mother of my children, however as of about a year ago, that is simply not enough for me anymore. I found myself wanting more than just the connection of children. I desired a true love, where we couldn't stand to be apart for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't have that with the mother of my children.
I can't write anymore right now as it is painful for me to think about abandoning my children for my own happiness. I will continue this post in a day or so, I just need to figure out how I want to phrase the rest of this. Please bear with me. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
Taste of Alucard
4 hours ago
I'm in an interesting and similar spot - if you haven't take a peek at my blog - email if you like
ReplyDeleteI have no way of knowing exactly what it's like for you as I never got married and had kids, though I was engaged to a woman for a few months, but I can empathize.
ReplyDeleteDealing with your sexual orientation and abandoning your children are two completely different things. Of course, the first person you need to talk to about this is your wife and I recommend not doing it without getting some counseling first. She may be completely blindsided or she may suspect already.
Regardless, you can't go behind her back and pursue a romantic relationship with a man. Who knows, she may be willing to keep the marriage going for the kids while allowing you the freedom to find a man.
Never, ever give up on your children, though. They need you regardless of your sexual orientation. The 13yo is probably old enough by now to understand, at least somewhat. The main thing they need to know is you love them and mommy loves them and you will never abandon them.
hey
ReplyDeletei do not think you can leave your children and be happy. you may need to seperated from your wife i can understand that but please do not leave the children
being closeted myself i know how my friends love their kids, when i have had to represent their kids for soemthing their bonds of love oare so evident so please rethink the words you are using or the path you are thinking of following
i think with time yo can have everything you need but i also think that leaving your kids is dangerous for your mental health and theirs
take care and be safe
bob
Thank you Bob. I don't want you to think that I would leave my children...I just see what you all have out here with real love and I guess I just want a part of it.
ReplyDeleteI really feel for you and my heart goes out to you too! Once you've amassed the courage you need you really do need to tell your wife. Although it may (or may not) come as a huge shock, if she's a reasonable woman and not taken to hysterical fits, she can help you with helping the children to understand what is happening.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, the same thing happened to my sister. Believe me when I say he was NOT a good husband or father, but she did not poison the children against him. It took some time to come to terms with his confession, a confession that included sex with loads of guys (which obviously put her at risk), but at the end of the day she realised she couldn't compete against another man and accepted the inevitable. You have no such sordid history to tell her so the pain of what she hears should (hopefully) be lessened.
The children, then aged around 8 and 12 were obviously upset (moreso for their mum rather than about any kind of stigma attached to having a gay dad, I think) but they accepted everything. Kids are so resilient.
As long as they know you love them, and will always be there for them, you will never lose them.
The first step is always the hardest, just like making the decision to start this blog (although there's obviously no comparison between them) was hard. But, you can't go on living a lie. It will slowly but surely eat away at you inside, and depression will set in etc.
Sorry for going on and on, and having never been in your situation I guess I really have no right to be giving any advice. So, I wish you the very best of luck with whatever you decide to do, whenever you decide to do it (or not!)
I look forward to reading more once you've composed yourself, and your words.
Take care!
Very best wishes,
Col
Thanks Col for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteInteresting - you, married, 3 kids; me married, 3 kids. We make decisions that affect events yet to occur - maybe we can chat. msn: doomedbutcheerful@hotmail.com
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful day.
G =]