Wednesday, April 29, 2009

New Blog and a few plugs

Good Morning everyone. As I compose this post, my student is driving us through the state of Oklahoma. Our final destination will be in Casa Grande, AZ, and we should arive there around 0400 hrs MDT on 4/30/9.
I wanted to first off mention that a long time commenter on many of our blogs has finally taken the plunge into Blogland. Round of applause please for Bob.

I also wanted to note that Steevo has started a sort of blog directory and if you will kindly visit his blog and follow the insrtuctions so that we can get this done as quickly as possible. That's all for now. Thanks.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? So many of us have asked this question of ourselves here in blogland. Some of us more than once. After composing the Part 3 post of "My Struggle", I pondered this question as it relates to my situation. Here is what I came up with.
I started this blog as a way to put my thoughts and feelings down on "paper" as it were, so that I could see them laid out in black and white and therefore hope to deal with them in a more structured fashion. It is my belief that doing this has, is, and will continue to be a huge help to me as I continue along this path.
The other reason that I started this blog is to join a community of like-minded individuals who I could converse with and be my true self. This, I would have to say is my proverbial "cry out for help", if you will. I understand that we all have our own unique problems to deal with, but for me, you guys are my out. Whenever I get a chance to speak with any of you, wether it be on MSN or through comments, it is like a breath of fresh air. In other words, you guys have become my air, my oxygen, and without you, each and everyone of you,...I don't wan't anyone to feel left don't know if I would be able to continue to reevaluate my lif and the decisions that I've had to make and will continue to have to make.
Wow, I know Mirrorboy sitting there reading this right now going, "Man, Jayson really got a run-on sentence going on there in that last paragraph." Sorry about that buddy, I just want to take a moment here to encourage you to continue to write, as I thoroughly enjoy your work. Well, that's it for now. Please feel free to comment.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

My Struggle Part 3

Good Evening everyone. I hope all is going well with each and every one of you. For those of you who are going through some rough times, my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
At the end of the last segment, I had just gone through my first and to date only relationship with another man, only to have to break his heart and mine when I discovered how my parents felt about this lifestyle.
Now, I know you're all sitting out there going, "What a pussy, why didn't you stand up for your rights?" Well, you're right, at the time, I pussied out and have continued to do so until this day. My experience with my parents had such a negative impact on me that it through me back into the closet and locked it with a deadbolt until about a year ago.
During this time however, I managed to get married to a woman and fathered 3 children. They are 13, 11, and 8. One boy and two girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife because she is the mother of my children, however as of about a year ago, that is simply not enough for me anymore. I found myself wanting more than just the connection of children. I desired a true love, where we couldn't stand to be apart for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't have that with the mother of my children.
I can't write anymore right now as it is painful for me to think about abandoning my children for my own happiness. I will continue this post in a day or so, I just need to figure out how I want to phrase the rest of this. Please bear with me. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Laptop Down

Good morning. So sorry for the length between posts but my laptop has been down. I will finish the 3 part series on my struggle later on this evening for those of you that are following. Thanks for your patience.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Remembering A Brother Blogger

I did not get the pleasure of meeting or speaking with Razz but I do feel the pain of losing a fellow blogger brother. Razz, you will be missed by many.

Down Time

Sorry about the length of down time here but i seem to have picked up a virus somewhere. I'll try to repost this evening.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My Struggle Part 2

First of all, I would like to thank all the readers who took the time to post a comment. It means more than you'll ever know. Again, THANK YOU. Before I get started on the next part I would just like to throw out a huge congratulations to AJ on his decision to move on in his life and live for him. Your the best. Secondly, I would like to welcome Mirrorboy back from his eye opening journey to Melbourne. Sounds like you had a gr8 time and some well deserved relaxation. Now on to the subject of this post.
As I began the 8th grade in my new school, it was definitly revitalizing to see in the first few months that I was able to remake my image and start anew. You see, back in those days, image was still a huge thing for me as I'm sure it is for the younger folks out here still today. As I progressed through the following 5 years up to and including graduation, I never had to deal with the extensive gay bashing issues that I had suffered through during the 7th grade.
After graduating from high school I went on to complete a year of college. At that time, I was so burned out and school and studying and the like that I choose to get out into the workforce to see if I could find a niche for myself. Bad mistake. What I should have done was to take a semester off and reevaluate my short and long term goals and then gone back.
During this downtime from college, I broached the subject of homosexuality with my parents, just trying to feel them out as to what their views on it were. I was floored to find out that they were of the far-right persuasion. Silly me. I should have known since we had been a church going family for as long as I can remember. At this point, I want to digress because I'm sure that there are a few of you out there who are scrathing your heads and going, "Gee whiz, you missed that one, eh. Dumbass." I just want you to remember that I had just spent 9 months away at college and had seen many new things that I was not used to seeing at home.
It was during this time that I had my one and only gay relationship and I was on cloud 9. That "feeling out" conversation that I was talking about earlier. Well, I had plans to come out to my parents at this point but the response was so negative that it threw me back into the closet where I have remained ever since. In hindsight, that is also probably a major contributing factor as to why I chose not to return to college in the fall. I was afraid to face the guy that I had been dating to tell him that I had chickened out.
More to come soon. Stay tuned.....

Sunday, April 12, 2009

My Struggle: Part 1

Good Evening everyone and Happy Easter. After several days of not posting and thinking about what I should post next about, I figured that maybe I should lay it all out here on the blog and see what kind of feedback I get. So here it goes.
I first realized that I might not be the same as everyone else in the second half of the school year in 7th grade. This is where it begins. In the first half of the year, I had PE it was during a situation that developed in the shower room one day and one of the upperclassmen accused me of being gay. I of course vehemently denied this for the next several months until in the early spring I cam to the realization that I was indeed attracted to members of the same sex.
During the preceding months, I experienced exactly what MirrorBoy goes through everyday in his current school. At the end of 7th grade, my parents made the decision that we were going to sell our house in the town where we lived and move to another town in the same state. We did this and I started the 8th grade in an entirely different school system. It was during this time over the summer that I came to the realization that nobody at the new school would know me from adam and therefore I could start afresh.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

We all need to stick together

As i sit here this evening to compose this message I am inspired by the outreach and love that I have seen in this small community that I have joined. I sort of feel like we are all one huge family and need to stick up for each other and comfort them in their times of need. Therefore I would like to dedicate this video to our entire community, our family, with a special mention for MBoy and AJ.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

I heard this song on the radio today and it made me think of AJ. This one's for you buddy.

First Post

Wow....My first post. This is an historic move for me. O well enough about that. I woke up this morning only to look at Mirrorboy's Blog and noticed that things just weren't right in our little pice of the world. I have made a few comments on those posts but I just want to say again that my thoughts and prayers go out to all of you that are going through some rough times right now. I have linked to quite a few blogs out there and I will be getting emails or comments or notices of some type out ASAP so that hopefully you will link back. HEHE.
This blog will entail several things for me. I would say that the number one thing that I hope to achieve here is to make new friends and acquantinces. I'll be blogging on just about anything that comes to mind, (eg. politics, my life, boys, your lives, boys, cars, trucks, boys). I think there is a pattern there. Hmmmmm. Well, enough for now.